Merrry Christmas. Or not.

So these past few days have been absolutely insane. Too much to write. But to sum up: Ralph got kicked out of his house because his friends are douchebags. Its the stupidest thing in the world and he didn't even do anything wrong at all. Ugggghhhhh. So he's stayed at my house the past two nights on my couch in the garage. He was even here with us this morning and my parents made him a little stocking and gave him a card hahaha. I'm so thankful that I have such compassionate parents. Its just so crazy like. He has no house. He just moved here from Massachusetts and has nothing. Screw his friends. Ugh. I dont understand how people can be so cruel. THey kicked out their best friend on CHRISTMAS EVE. Who does that. asldfjklaskdjf


On another note. Talked to joey for the first time in another month today. I still get weird feelings when i know he texted me. I wish they would just go away already.


Things are so stressful and hard right now.

But i got wonderfl things for christmas :) yaaay

Taylor Swift knows me better than I know myself.

Please take down the misletoe
Cause I don't wanna think about that right now
Cause everything I want is miles away
In a snow covered little town
My momma's in the kitchen, worrying about me
Season's greetings, hope you're well
Well I'm doing alright
If you were wondering
Lately I can never tell

I know this shouldn't be a lonely time
But there were Christmases when you were mine

I've been doing fine without you, really
Up until the nights got cold
And everybody's here, except you, baby
Seems like everyone's got someone to hold

But for me it's just a lonely time
Cause there were Christmases when you were mine

Merry Christmas everybody
That'll have to be something I just say this year
I'll bet you got your mom another sweater
And were your cousins late again
When you were putting up the lights this year
Did you notice one less pair of hands

I know this shouldn't be a lonely time
But there were Christmases when I didn't wonder how you are tonight
Cause there were Christmases when you were mine

You were mine






yeah. i dropped ralph off at work this morning then this song came on on the radio and i cried that whole way home. i hate how i can still miss joey. its not fair. we dont even talk anymore. i feel like i cry a lot lately because i've stopped taking my anti depressants. that probably wasn't a good idea. but i have no more medical insurance because i dont feel like failing another semester of school. things are hard.


i've been missing niamh a lot these past few days. it just breaks my heart that she's not here for christmas. for anything anymore. life isn't fair. neither is death. rest in peace beautiful. i think about you everyday.

what the fuck i just started crying again. make it stopppppppp.




ps. ralph is cute. i like him. we're going to the snow today if michelle ever decides to wake up and join the world today hahaha.

pps. i just cleaned my room for the first time today in like 6 months. i have a floor !!!!! i got paid 100 to do it. suhweet.

Reinvent Yourself.

i wish that wasn't the case. but it is. i wish i could fix myself and take away all the shit that i've been through; the stuff that no one even knows about. no one even knows how much pain i'm in all the time. shit. i feel like i'm constantly caving in. literally all my insides are just caving in. i hate feeling like its so hard to just exist.

i've been listening to Something Corporate- Konstantine on repeat for like an hour. Best song in the world.






i need a fucking cigarette.
FML.

Its retahded!!!!

hahahah retahded is my favorite word at the moment. silly boston boys dont know how to pronounce their R's hahahaha. awwwww my boston boy is so cute. he's so sweeeet!!! we've only hungout a few times but he's way cool. i like it :) i haven't actually liked hanging out with any of the boys i've hungout with lately. so its weird actually being happy to see some boy. ahhhh but he's so sweeeeeet!! i seriously have gotten no sleep lately because i'll just stay the night there and we dont go to bed til like 830 in the morning then wake up like an hour later. ugghhh hahaha oh well. worth it.



ha anyways. i'm avoiding my homework at the moment. i have soooo many papers that i have to write this week. oh my goossshh. AND i have to study for my finals.

i'm happy my besties are back :) haha we better seriously hangout every day hoes.




i have to peeeeeeeee

Sick and tired, of being sick and tired.

i'm so freaking stoked christmas is in 15 days. AHHHHHHHH.
and i'm SO happy that class is over next week. oh man. i just have so much to get through. i hope i can make myself do it.

i'm surprised it actually feels like christmas this year. the past few years i've had so much else on my plate christmas came and went without me even noticing. but this year is the first year EVER that i've been spending time on just myself, so i'm having fun with all the christmas things :) i've done a lot of baking and decorating and lots of stuff already. and it will only get WAY better when my besties get back and we go ice skating and go around starlight circle and all those fun fun things :) yaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!! hahahaha i'm even listening to christmas music right now. its makin me smile.

i love how i'm halfway through straightening my hair and i decide to update this shtuff hahahaha. silly me !

i might be going out to barona in a little bit to party it up and stuff. blah i dont know if i want to or not. asdfalkjdf we'll see. yeah i guess i'm going actually. woo hoo. jacuzzzzzzi!






payce.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

Oh man. so stoked that its getting so close to christmas. that means my besties come hooommee!!! ah i'm so excited to have girl time again. for like a whole month! i wanna bake and go look at christmas lights and go ice skating!!! duuuuude hahaha i cant wait. too bad i gotta wait to doa lot of it because i have absolutely NO money. like literally. none. hahahah i hate my life. but whatever.

i have nothing to writtttttte abouuuuttttt.
lets see. what have i done lately.
nothing really. hungout with people lately. blah blah blah. i'm such a boring person! not really. but i'm probably pretty boring on paper.

my tattoo is healed and i wanna finish ittttttt. ah i love it. its so pretty :) and it means so much to me.

i hope my grandpa is okay. his kidney's shut down the other day and he's been in the hospital for about a week now and they still dont know whats wrong with him.

i'm so freaking stressed about school. i have SO much work from the semester that i need to finish. ohhhh man. i knowi have to do it i just seriously dont want to!! ugghh :( i suck at the whole school thing. i dont even care about my finals they're going to be easy i just dont want to have to do all my papers before then. ugugghhhhhhhhhhh.

i'm tired of boys being fucking gay.

i want post secret to update. they never really put good ones up anymore. kinda bums me out.

Fuck me, right?

God my parents make me fucking sick. All summer when i was working my ass off trying to get a job applying at at LEAST 100 places they bitched about how i'm doing nothing with my life and just wasting it and taking advantage and just being lazy. They said as soon as I start going to school and working they'd lay off. WHAT THE FUCK i go to school full time and I work as many hours as my job will let me. I work every day. And I help out around the house. I have NEVER asked them ONCE for money since i was fucking 14 and i started working. But apparently I'm sooooo ungrateful and take advantage of them. I'm the least ungrateful person in the world. OH my goosssshhhhhhhh. I'm so sick of hearing what a terrible person I am. I'm fucking amazing. God I'm so fucking sick of my parents. They want me to get up at 7 every morning JUST so that I can be productive and do NOTHING. what the hell am i going to do at 7 in the fucking morning. AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. god i wish i had somewhere to just leave. i hate it in my fucking house. i'm so sick of being told how terrible i am. i'm a good person. a good friend. and a good daughter. fuck. i'm going absolutely crazy. oh my gosh. i just want to go far far faarrrrr away. but i have no where to go. maybe i'll just go live with my grandparents or something for a little while. I'm so sick of being stuck in this stupid rut. Fuck I feel like I have NOTHING right now. I dont even really have any good friends that live within 100 miles of me. Like right now. I have no where I can fucking go. I'm just so sick of being told how worthless I am. It gets a little old after 20 years. And I'm too broke to afford to migraine medicine so I just have to deal with my insane migraines til the 19th when I can afford to refill my prescription. uugggghhhh. At least i refilled my other prescription or i would be even worse off than i am right now. I'm just so sick of feeling so miserable all the time :( and I dont even know what I can do about it :( I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Fuck me, right?

Oh, why not.

I'm really not quite sure what this blog will consist of; if I'm going to use it to actually write about my insanely complicated life or if I'll just post lyrics and stuff. why not both? For this entry, I"ll try it I suppose.

Life is difficult lately. That's pretty much the only way to explain it. I'm really not making the best decisions for myself. I'm not going to elaborate. But I just don't know what to do with myself really. I'm just trying to find myself again. Not sure how to do that. I'm still working on figuring myself out. Noooo idea how to even try that.

Lately a million boys are trying to date me. I wish they would stop. I feel bad. But. I dont even want to date right now. I cant take care of myself, how am I supposed to care for another person? I have noooo idea. Poor boys. I'm sorry. I really do feel bad. Blah. I dont know. See? I have such a hard time talking. How the hell am I supposed to write in this thing. AAAHHHH. I just dont heal very well. Therefore: no where near ready for boyz. See song lyrics at end of blog.

Random thoughts:
I SEE MY FUCKING BEST FRIENDS TOMORROW!!!!!!!!
my tattoo is rather itchy
my phone just vibrated
yep still itchy
i really need to start working out
i wanna be nice again
i need to stop spending al my money on clothes
one month til christmas
my upper left wisdom tooth is bugging me
i hate having tonsilitis
hate my liiiiiiiiiiiiiife




oh; and this song is absolultey perfect.

He is sensible and so incredible
and all my single friends are jealous.
He says everything I need to hear
and its like I couldn’t ask for anything better.
He opens up my door and
I get into his car and he says
you look beautiful tonight.
And I feel perfectly fine.

[Chorus:]

But I miss screamin’ and fightin’ and kissin’ in the rain
and it’s 2am and I’m cursin’ your name.
You’re so in love that you act insane
and that’s the way I loved you.
And breakin’ out and comin’ undone
it’s a roller coaster kinda rush.
And I never knew I could feel that much.
And that’s the way I loved you.

He respects my space
and never makes me wait
and he calls exactly when he says he will.
He’s close to my mother
and talks business with my father.
He’s charming and endearing
and I’m comfortable.

But I miss screamin’ and fightin’ and kissin’ in the rain
and it’s 2am and I’m cursin’ your name.
You’re so in love that you act insane
and that’s the way I loved you.
And breakin’ out and comin’ undone
it’s a roller coaster kinda rush.
And I never knew I could feel that much.
And that’s the way I loved you.

He can’t see the smile I’m fakin’.
And my hearts not breakin’.
Cause I’m not feelin’ anything at all.
And you were wild and crazy.
Just so frustrating, intoxicating, complicated,
got away like some mistake.

And I,
I miss screamin’, and fightin’, and kissin’ in the rain
it’s 2am and I’m cursin’ your name.
I’m so in love that I acted insane.
And that’s the way I loved you.
Breakin’ out and comin’ undone
it’s a roller coaster kinda rush.
And I never knew I could feel that much.
And that’s the way I loved you.

And that’s the way I loved you.

Never knew I could feel that much.

And that’s the way I loved you.